Today I...

Today I:

-laughed at the way my hair looked when I woke up.

-was grateful that I had hair at all.

-cried because I missed someone.

-had dizzy bouts throughout the day, trying to come down off of these anti-epileptics, as ordered.

-got super-anxious while preparing for my hearings tomorrow.

-got super-pissed at what WASN'T in the mail.

-re-evaluated my goals.

-felt enthusiastic and optimistic.

-felt deflated, and like a child.

-remembered that I had single-handedly directed multi-million dollar grant projects with multiple staff members to do good things for other people; and had 12 years of education in my chosen vocation.

-felt optimistic again.

-decided I'm done with not speaking up for myself. Three years of that which we do not speak, being pushed out of jobs because of illness, and things not turning out to be the way that I'd hoped due to circumstances beyond my control will do that.

-figured that I'm pretty well versed in motivating others, etc., having studied the 'laws of attraction', positive energy, Reiki and so forth for five+ years. I know the drill; but there are other factors that play into life too....it goes in cycles, and it's NOT going to be perfectly positive all the time. How would one then distinguish the good from the bad? The balance of karma and power wasn't designed that way. So yes, in times of difficulty, eventually pick yourself up; don't dwell in sorrow forever, but acknowledge your feelings and grieve until you feel ready to move forward.

-appreciated the friends who allow and support that process.

-started reading, "The Power of Nice: How to Conquer the Business World with Kindness" (because anything less wont get anyone anywhere, AKA, remain humble - and don't try to make it about the other person. Take a look in the mirror).

-had a premonition, acted on it, it was true, and was able to possibly fix something.

-learned that I should have a little more faith in myself and my abilities, instead of looking to others for approval; so unless I ask, I'm not seeking it.

-felt psyched when I bought a pair of size 4 jeans. Not just the size, but that the price was within my budget.

-(was worried just prior about money, but needing a pair of jeans that fit).

RIGHT NOW...

-feeling tremendously tired in this bittersweet moment of lying in bed, in a great deal of pain and feeling so fatigued...like you'd think the few errands I ran today were the equivalent of a running a marathon; and yet, feeling very grateful for my family, my true friends, this blanket covering me and my cats (not to mention Judge Judy is on).

I am thankful for every single feeling and situation that I experienced today-positive or negative. My guess is that we ALL experience this range of emotions to varying degrees every day. Maybe not about the same things, or for the same reasons - but that doesn't matter. I feel relieved about being honest. Putting myself out there. Not misrepresenting. I don't even care if no one reads this. It's great to be as positive as you can, whenever you can; but if you're going through something, seek the support of someone who understands that life isn't always bright and cheery, and we need to endure these associated emotions to be able to push ourselves farther the next time. I love being positive. But I'm not going to apologize for feeling sad, angry, lost or frustrated if something is going really wrong. I think that's what defines us as unique human beings, and not programmed robots.